43 Groan-inducing (and Smile-making) Thanksgiving Jokes You Can Tell Grandma

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. — Johnny Carson

 

Based on the nearly non-existent traffic on MY drive into work this morning, you’re probably one of the few people in your office that are working today, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Therefore, you’re in  need of some light-hearted humor. So, instead of a blog on communication skills, here are 43 Thanksgiving jokes and one-liners to brighten your day. Some of these are super-clean so you can tell the younger kids at your holiday dinner. Others are the cute kind that older generations love. And, then I threw in a few clean adult jokes that everyone else will laugh at. All the hilarious filthy Thanksgiving jokes were emailed to my brother because I needed to share them with someone but I don’t think my boss would find them funny on a corporate blog.

Enjoy!

Thanksgiving One Liners:

  • I’m excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.
  • Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.
  • My husband doesn’t think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • There is a special place in Hell for radio stations and retail stores that play Christmas music the month before Thanksgiving.
  • I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?
  • You don’t need Thanksgiving just to hate your family.
  • If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.
  • My aunt is bringing her homemade cranberry sauce to our Thanksgiving dinner, and my uncle is bringing his blatant sexism!
  • They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocalypse or Stuffing-cide.
  • Want to really freak someone out? Add 2 extra turkey legs to the turkey when it’s in the oven.
  • For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
  • My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn’t quit “cold turkey”.
  • Happy Turkey Day, America! Don’t forget to give the turkey a name and make everyone uncomfortable.
  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving commemorated Pearl Harbor.


And now, Thanksgiving jokes for the kiddies and grandparents at your party:

  • What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock!
  • Why can’t you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
  • Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots in it.
  • What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked into him!
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
  • If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
  • Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
  • Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks.
  • What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
  • Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
  • What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? It was Thanksgiving and he was trying to fool everyone into thinking he was a chicken.
  • What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
  • What are the feathers on a turkey’s wings called? Turkey feathers.
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
  • What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
  • What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
  • What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he’s in pain? Pil-grimace.
  • What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
  • What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
  • If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower then what did the teachers come on? The scholar ships.
  • What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
  • If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
  • What’s the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
  • What sound does a turkey’s phone make? Wing! Wing!
  • What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
  • What do you call a stuffed animal? You, after Thanksgiving.

And finally, the first joke I ever learned from my Grandma Isabelle when I was maybe five years old that I proceeded to tell over 14,000 times that Thanksgiving weekend, much to the dismay of my dad:

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

Ahhhhhh, that brings back memories. I still see Grandma’s smile whenever I see or hear that joke. Anyway … like many of you, we’ll be off for Thanksgiving holiday so we’ll see you next Monday with more blogs and insight into the way we work today. Have a safe and happy holiday!

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