43 Groan-inducing (and Smile-making) Thanksgiving Jokes You Can Tell Grandma

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.  –  Johnny Carson 

Based on the nearly non-existent traffic on MY drive into work here, you’re probably one of the few people working in your office on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Therefore, you need some light-hearted humor as you make it through the day. So, instead of a blog on communication skills, here are 43 jokes and one-liners to brighten your day. Some of these are super-clean so you can tell the younger kids at your holiday dinner. Some others are pretty cute stuff for grandparents that you would never cuss around. Finally, there are a few adult jokes that everyone else will laugh at.


Thanksgiving One Liners:

  • I’m excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.
  • Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.
  • My husband doesn’t think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • There is a special place in Hell for radio stations and retail stores that play Christmas music a month before Thanksgiving.
  • I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?
  • You don’t need Thanksgiving just to hate your family.
  • If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.
  • My aunt is bringing her homemade cranberry sauce to our Thanksgiving dinner, and my uncle is bringing his blatant sexism!
  • They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocalypse or Stuffing-cide.
  • Want to really freak someone out? Add 2 extra turkey legs to the turkey when it’s in the oven.
  • For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
  • My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn’t quit “cold turkey”.
  • Happy Turkey Day, America! Don’t forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.
  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving commemorated Pearl Harbor.

And now, Thanksgiving jokes for the kids and grannies at your party:

  • What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock
  • Why can’t you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
  • Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots in it.
  • What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked into him!
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
  • If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
  • Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
  • Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
  • What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
  • Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
  • What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? It was Thanksgiving and he was trying to fool everyone into thinking he was a chicken.
  • Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus
  • What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
  • What are the feathers on a turkey’s wings called? Turkey feathers
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with an centipede? Enough drumsticks for EVERYONE!!!
  • What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
  • What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
  • What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he’s in pain? Pil-grimace.
  • What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
  • What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
  • If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower then what did the teachers come on? The scholar ships.
  • What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
  • If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
  • What’s the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
  • What sound does a turkey’s phone make? Wing! Wing!
  • What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
  • What do you call a stuffed animal? You, after Thanksgiving.

And finally, the first joke I ever learned from my Grandma Isabelle when I was maybe five years old that I proceeded to tell over 14,000 times that Thanksgiving weekend, much to the dismay of my dad:

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

Ahhhhhh, that brings back memories. I still see Grandma’s smile whenever I see or hear that joke. Anyway … like many of you, we’ll be off for Thanksgiving holiday so we’ll see you next Monday with more blogs and insight into the way we work today. Have a safe and happy holiday!


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